


Never Returned

by still_lycoris



Category: Death Note (Anime & Manga)
Genre: Bittersweet, Fantasy, Guilt, M/M, Pre-Canon, Unrequited Love
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-26
Updated: 2018-12-26
Packaged: 2019-09-27 21:50:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,366
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/17170046
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/still_lycoris/pseuds/still_lycoris
Summary: Matsuda didn't mean to fall in love with Soichiro Yagami. It just sort of happened.





	Never Returned

**Author's Note:**

> Written for 12daysChristmas.

Really, it should probably have felt weird that he was in love with Soichiro Yagami.

After all, Soichiro Yagami was a man. An ... well, not an _old_ man, not _old_ but older. And he wasn’t actually good-looking, not like some people were good-looking, not pretty or handsome really. And he wasn’t a girl and Matsuda definitely liked girls (well. Maybe some guys too. It was difficult. He assumed that everybody looked at handsome men and knew they were handsome but he’d said something to his brother once and Takuya had looked at him like he was being a bit of a freak so maybe that was actually a sign, maybe he was ... )

But it was just that he liked the Chief. _Really_ liked him. He’d never met anybody so, so _kind_ before. Someone who really believed in him, because nobody else ever had, not really. They all thought he was useless, which wasn’t completely unfair – but the Chief was the only person who seemed to think that he could even try. The Chief seemed to think that he might even actually be _good_ at something and Matsuda couldn’t remember anybody saying he might be good at something, not for years because he was just Touta Matsuda, he wasn’t as good as his brother or his father and never would be.

That wasn’t why he was in love with him though. All right, it helped, but ... the thing was, Soichiro Yagami was just ... perfect. Matsuda wasn’t even sure that he could explain it. It was just that the Chief was brave and kind and amazing and Masuda was in love with him, that was all.

Maybe the reason that he started fantasising about Soichiro was because he couldn’t imagine loving someone that much and not being attracted to them. You couldn’t love someone like that and not want them, right? And the Chief was good-looking, sort of. In a stern, older sort of way. He didn’t look horrible anyway. And when he came into the room, when he smiled, it always made Matsuda feel so happy so really, really, it had to be ... well. That he was attracted to him. And he thought about that and he thought about the way the Chief might feel (solid. Solid and safe and nice) and kissing him would be good, wouldn’t it? He betted the Chief was a good kisser. He was good at everything so it made sense that he would be. And he’d make Matsuda feel good, if they were kissing, Matsuda was pretty sure about that and thinking about nice kissing always made him feel warm inside and so really, everything after that would work out.

(he wasn’t quite sure what would happen after that. He didn’t really know much about that, not with men. It didn’t matter though. Whatever it was, he knew it would be nice because it was the Chief.)

He had to try not to think about it too much at work. If he did, he usually found himself blushing or getting distracted and he was bad enough at everything without that (though the Chief said he was improving. The Chief said that everyone was a bit clumsy and uncertain when they started. That Matsuda thought too much about it and he ought to trust his own instincts more, be more secure in himself. Matsuda thought he was probably just being kind though.) He did his best to keep his little dreams at home, where nobody else could be mad about them.

It was hard though. Hard because Soichiro Yagami was almost always there and so very, very ... himself. And Matsuda couldn’t help wondering just a little what would happen if he knew. Would he be angry? No, the Chief wouldn’t be angry. He’d try to understand because he was like that too. And if he tried to understand, then maybe ... maybe ...

It was weirdly exciting, to imagine the Chief liking him back. Weirdly exciting to think about the way it could happen if he confessed, if the Chief didn’t hate him for it. Would they kiss? Would some of those fantasies that he’d had come true? What then?

It was a bit wrong. But it was also a bit nice and he couldn’t stop thinking about it. He didn’t exactly want to make it happen, not really but he did always volunteer when he could if it was something near Soichiro. Just ... because.

They were working a case and Matsuda was beginning to think he might never actually see the inside of his flat again. The Chief looked tired and he obviously decided it wasn’t doing them any good because he suddenly stood up and said “I’m going to my house for a change of clothes. You should come too, get a break from this place.”

Come to the Chief’s _house?_ Matsuda hoped that he managed to keep the excitement from his face. He’d never really imagined where the Chief lived because, well ... he just hadn’t, that was all. It wasn’t something he considered. But the idea of seeing it, that had to be special, right?

It looked a pretty nice house from the outside. Neat and big. Matsuda couldn’t help thinking of his small flat and feeling a bit jealous. It was just kind of small and cold. He’d always like coming back here after work, he was sure. It would feel welcoming.

Soichiro unlocked the door, gesturing for Matsuda to take his shoes off. Matsuda was just doing it when the inside door was opened and a figure sprang into the Chief’s arms.

“Daddy!”

“Sayu, come back, you haven’t finished your homework! Oh ... you’ve brought company, Dad. Sorry.”

Matsuda had known the Chief had a wife and kids, of course. You knew that sort of thing in the office. People talked, it wasn’t weird. He knew their names and everything. The bouncy little girl was Sayu, the older boy helping her with her homework was Light. He’d known about them. He just hadn’t thought about them. 

“This is Matsuda-san,” the Chief said warmly. “Matsuda, these are my children. Sayu, are you letting Light help you with your homework again?”

“He’s so good at maths! And he makes it make sense.”

“It’s okay Dad, I’m making sure she really does it. She’s doing fine, she always does when she concentrates.”

“Do I?”

“Yes, you do. Now Sayu, come away now, Dad’s busy.”

Light gave them both a warm smile before prising his sister away, taking her back to a table and sitting with her, explaining something. Matsuda stared after them, feeling cold and somehow small.

He’d never really thought about the Chief’s family. How could he not have thought about his family? All of those greedy little fantasies of his and he hadn’t remembered that the Chief _had_ people?

He didn’t think he’d ever felt so guilty before in his life. And it only got worse when he met Sachiko-san. She was so _nice_. She smiled and welcomed him into the home and insisted on giving him tea while the Chief changed. 

“You will take care of him, won’t you?”she asked quietly, looking anxious. “He does work so hard ... it would put my mind at rest to know that there’s someone keeping an eye on his health.”

“I promise I’ll keep a proper eye on him!” Matsuda said at once. “I won’t let anything happen to him!”

She gave him a lovely smile then and patted his shoulder.

“He said that you were a good man.”

Matsuda didn’t feel like a good man at all. He felt like he’d cheated them, even though he supposed that he hadn’t except in his mind and they’d never know about it. And the Chief had never known about it either and absolutely never would because Matsuda might be weak and stupid but he could do _some_ things right. The Chief had a family and they were a good family, they were a family that were _nice_.

He would make it right. He’d make sure his promise to Sachiko-san was fulfilled.

Even if the Chief could never belong to him, he’d make sure that nothing bad could ever happen to him, or his family.


End file.
